I have long since grown out of my fear of monsters under the bed. I am no longer the scared little girl who can’t bear to stretch her bare legs over the side of the bed for fear that some hairy arm is going to reach out and grab hereven though she has to pee so very badly. There are no scary beasts hiding in the shadowy corner, well unless you count my Fitzwilliam, but I am not particularly afraid of him. I am no longer afraid of the dark. My princess night light was laid to rest long ago. In fact, the darker it is the better for me–if the moon is too big and bright I am distracted from sleep. So then if I don’t fear monsters or beasts or the thick blackness of night, why, as of late do I fear going to bed?
My anxiety is reaching pre-therepy days levels. I have gotten comfortable with the calm that has come over my life since letting God take the reigns. I will not sit here and say life has been perfect, but there has been peace and contentedness. But lately I am sensing monsters. Not monsters under the bed or in the shadows, but monsters in the mind. They terrorize my mind as I try to sleep. These anxiety monsters keep me from sleep, and after weeks of this insipid insomnia, I fear turning off the lights only to stare at the glow in the dark stars on my ceilings. I’m beginning to feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club. Now, if Brad Pitt turned out to be my alter-ego, I might not complain so much, but I doubt that will be the case.
If I do drug myself to sleep, then beasts with claws and teeth come in to play. Ever since my anxiety has kicked in to high gear, the nightmare have also returned. I have always been prone to bad dreams, nightmares, uncomfortable dreams. They will often leave me alone for weeks, months, even years, but when they come back, they attack with a vengeance and vastly overstay their welcome.
So I guess I am afraid of the night, afraid of the dark, afraid of what bedtime and sleep holds for me. It is quite a conundrum because I fear the inability to sleep, but I also fear what will ravage my mind when I do fall asleep. I guess I am still that little girl afraid of the monsters in the dark, unfortunately, I don’t think Daddy can save me from them this time. Their claws are too deeply imbedded for them to be scared away by a flashlight.
So I pray. I pray that if my Daddy can’t scare them away, my Father in heaven can. I pray that I can give him my fears and his peace will return. I pray because I don’t want to be afraid of the dark or afraid of the monsters and I pray because I’m so damn tired of always being so damn tired.