For the past seven years, I have been seeing a therapist. One of the things we have been working on is my own view of my own self-worth and my own agency. Something I have struggled with significantly over the years is my relationship with men: the way I was treated by them, the way they distorted my view of myself and own self worth, and the way they so often left me without a proper goodbye.
Despite the many, many years, the significant amount of healing and strength I’ve obtained, and the wonder life I have with my boyfriend, I still have dreams and nightmares much too frequently that involve exes. According to my therapist, this is a natural part of the healing process. I find it a most disturbing part of the healing process and would prefer more . . . visceral dreams than these. Anyway, to continue this healing process, we’ve decided that, since I never got to say goodbye, either because they just up and left without a word or because they took the last wretched word, it is time for me to say goodbye.
So, I am going to write a series of letters. Goodbye letters. One for each man who still haunts my dreams. One for each man who never allowed the to say goodbye, who never respected me enough to say goodbye. I am taking the voice they denied me. I am taking the ‘no’ they denied me. I am taking the ‘goodbye’ the denied me.
I am choosing to share these goodbyes with whoever wants to read them because part of my healing comes from the knowledge that my past, my pain might be able to help others. Healing is possible.
Strange Little Dreams: This is My Story . . . 