pills

For the last 7-8 months I’ve been playing with various meds: anxiety meds, mood stabilizers, insomnia meds. For a while, everything seemed to be going great. I’m sleeping without trouble, my anxiety is less, my mood has stabilized, and my mania seems to be under control. But as of late, I feel so “under control” and “stabilized” that I feel nothing. I have no focus. I have no emotion. And I have no desire to do anything. Is this depression? Or is this being over-medication? Or the wrong medication? I’m so confused and I just don’t know anything anymore.

Sleep: While on the meds, I was falling asleep quickly and sleeping deeply all night long. It was wonderful. To be fair, I’m tired all day long and I nap 2-4 hours a day–so much for productivity. So we took me off one of the mood stabilizers, the one that sent me right to sleep. I don’t sleep so well at night anymore. Though I still want to sleep all day. I’ve only been off the med for a few days, so I guess I should give it more time.

Depression: Am I depressed? Or have my anxiety meds and mood stabilizers calmed me so much that I just don’t give a shit anymore? It’s really hard to tell. Of course, we upped one med, while taking me off the other, will this make me less depressed, if I’m even depressed. I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with, the not knowing. Another thing that goes with this is lack of emotion. There are moments in life that should cause emotion, such as upcoming comprehensive exams. I should care. I should want to pass. But I have no emotion either way about the whole thing. There are other moments, more important moments, that should cause emotions, and it’s a little scary when they don’t. I have no focus, no desire, no emotion, just this want to lay on the couch day in and day out and watch TV. Is this depression or seriously messed up meds?

The days I have to get out of my pajamas and leave my house, I’m only playing at life. I only play at teaching. I love teaching, but this semester, my heart just isn’t in it. My heart isn’t in anything. I’m acting. I’m playing. I hope things change soon. Meds can be an extremely beneficial thing to a person, but they don’t work for everyone. My mind is not my own. My life is not my own. I don’t very much like this person I am right now. But I didn’t very much like who I was before the meds either. I just want to understand whats going on. I want to understand my own mind. I want to focus and be productive. I want to feel. I want to be happy. I want to be me.

 

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